


listen before i go

by cartoonsandcats



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Death Note Spoilers, Established Relationship, F/M, Kissing, L and Light SHOULD be chained together but they're not, Love Confessions, Time Skips, death note episode 25 spoilers, it was tsugumi ohba, just let me have this one inaccuracy, kind of, like damn who hurt me, like this is the saddest thing i've ever written, no y/n as always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:56:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27640351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartoonsandcats/pseuds/cartoonsandcats
Summary: grief is a sickness
Relationships: L (Death Note)/Reader
Comments: 19
Kudos: 70





	listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a masochist for writing this. 
> 
> i rewatched death note for the first time in 6-7ish years and just watched episode 25 again and felt the pain all over. L is genuinely one of my favorite characters from any franchise and i have SUCH a connection to him so that episode... is painful.  
> I hope I characterized L decently, I really tried to! If not, I'm always open to criticism !!  
> I also wrote this in like one and a half nights so it might be not great?? its midnight rn and i might wake up and realize its shit. 
> 
> anyways, there's some sweet moments in this but the ending hits hard. also yes, title is a billie eilish reference, that song gives me MAJOR L vibes when thinking about ep25  
> Thank you for reading and hope you enjoy!  
> well, maybe not enjoy, but you get the point

It hurt. 

It  _ hurt.  _

There was no other word to describe the pain you felt. The feeling trickled down your throat and nestled into the soul between your ribs. You felt it fill your lungs with black, sticky grief that made every breath ragged and achy.  It hurt worse than anything you had ever experienced. 

You felt as if you were dying. 

But, you _weren't_ dying, and that was half the trouble wasn't it? There was no doctor to fix the black pit in your stomach, no medicine to cure the heaviness of your limbs or the hourly hyperventilation. It was all in your head. You _knew_ it was in your head. He would tell you its in your head. You wished he was here to tell you it was in your head.

Really, you just wished to hear his voice again. You scrunched your eyes shut again.

"Can you come here for a moment?" He had said what felt like moments ago from his spot in front of his monitors. It must've been three in the morning by that point. 

You yawned and padded over sleepily from your nest you had made sorting through files of victims. It wasn't going anywhere, but your task force was nothing if not thorough. 

The man was, in your eyes, ethereal. You had thought so when you first saw him, even in his wrinkled clothing and rat's nest of hair. Even with his shrimp-like posture. And it was all because of those _eyes_. Deep-set and black as any night sky you had ever seen. His eyes, either always unblinking or half-shut, told of such incredible perception. Knowledge beyond of which you could ever imagine of understanding. But, _god_ , did you try to understand him.

Those eyes didn't break contact with his computer as you approached; the screen of his work cast a blue tint on his pale, _pale_ skin and the shadows of the darkness contoured his already sharp features. He parted his lips to acknowledge your presence. 

"What do you need?" You asked in a scratchy voice. It had been many hours since you had talked to anyone as  _ everyone  _ on the team  had been focused on their respective tasks today. 

"After the Kira Case is finished," Ryuzaki clicked a few buttons on the keyboard before swiveling to face you, rest his chin on his knees. His eyes locked on your own. "I'd like you to stay with me." 

You sputtered. Your  _ heart  _ sputtered. Sure, you and him had been...  _ close,  _ as it were. Dare say, he  _ liked  _ you. And you liked him. 

This wasn't fresh information, considering his habit of appearing at your bedroom door just to move himself to your couch and begin asking questions about your day or your hobbies and wait for you to ask the same questions back to him. For a while, you thought he was interrogating you. You didn't know him to do anything without an ulterior motive, and you told him as much. He considered your analysis, holding those  _ infuriatingly  _ pretty fingers between his lips, before simply telling you that _was not_ the case at all. That he just "enjoyed your company". 

"What?" You breathed. 

"After this case is finished," Ryuzaki removed himself from his chair and stood looking down at you. "I want you with me. I've grown attached to you."

"I'd... like that," you said simply. You shouldn't have been surprised about how blunt he was being, he was always this straightforward, unless there was a reason to hide. But, you were still blushing at the thought of him... wanting you around for good. 

"I need you to be  _ sure."  _ Shoving his hands into his pockets, he bent on his knees to make level contact with your eyes. "You won't be able to have a normal life. You may not see your friends and family for long periods of time. There are," he scratched the mess of black hair on his neck as he thought through his wording. "Many dangers."

But," he said after a brief pause. He brought his hands to cup your face, resting his thumbs in the space under your eyes. You were sure only  _ one  _ of his hands could cover your entire face; he had _such_ long fingers. His blown out pupils were owlishly fixed on your own. "I can keep you safe. If you trust me."

"Yes," you said, with no hesitation. Your meeting him was the one good thing that had come out of this nightmare of a case. 

You had already lost so much.  _ Given up  _ so much. You couldn't bear to give him up too, at least for a little while. 

You supposed it was selfish. You were as much a liability to him as he was to you. You could  _ distract  _ him, be a weakness, be something his enemies could use against him. If he was found because of you the whole world would suffer. 

But  _ you  _ were selfish. 

"Yes," you repeated, pressing his _nearly-too-cold-for-comfort_ palm against your cheek with your own hand. "I want to."

"Good," he said, beginning to blink regularly again- he had been staring at you very intensely. "We can discuss details after we capture Kira. Which, with Matsuda's little stunt last week with Yotsuba, may be nearer than I originally predicted."

As he talked, he removed his hands and crawled back into his chair, pressing his thumb into his bottom lip in thought. He became engaged yet again with his computer screen, before taking a sharp breath. You assumed because he realized you were still standing beside him. 

"You should go to sleep," he suggested in a far off tone. "It's getting quite late."

"Oh," you blinked out of your trance. "Yeah- yes I should. Probably."

A pause. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes, I will see you as well," he said, enthralled again by his screens. "Sleep well." 

You backed away from him and began towards the stairs. But something stopped you. 

_ Well, since he basically just asked you to live with him _ ,  _ you might as well- _

"Hey, Ryu," you started back to his chair. He hummed in question. "Can I kiss you?"

His fingers stopped mid-type and he blinked harshly. He turned his face towards you with the  _ most  _ surprised expression you had ever seen on him. 

"I suppose so," he said, staring intently at you. 

_ Good enough _ . 

You brought a hand to each of his armrests before pressing your lips into his own. They were chapped and obviously wearing down from the amount of time they spent in between his teeth. But  _ god, _ did he taste  _ delicious.  _ Sugar and sweetness with the faintest hint of caffeine. His mouth was  _ just  _ as addicting as the pastries he stuffed it with. 

He tensed briefly, before relaxing into you mouth and returning your affection, pecking at your bottom lip delicately. It wasn't a long kiss, but, _damn_ , did it stick in your mind like candy apples stuck in your teeth. 

He was the first to pull away. But it  _ obviously _ wasn't out of rejection. You saw his cheeks flush and his eyes open in amazement, lips parted delicately. 

You had to mentally pat yourself on the back for bringing the world's  _ greatest  _ and _stoic_ detective to such a state. 

"Goodnight," you hummed, still close enough to feel his breath on your nose. You removed your hands from the armrests and quickly made your way towards the stairs. You hoped he didn't see how your face was  _ definitely _ three shades pinker than his was. You would've liked to keep some semblance of allure to the situation. 

You heard him let out a voiced breath and you ascended the staircase. And you could only assume that was a good sign. 

You didn't get much of a chance to talk after that, although you could say he was _much_ more affectionate.

You tried not to initiate anything, as you knew a known relationship could be detrimental to the professionalism of the task force, and quite possibly endanger you both. Yet, he didn't seem to completely hold those values.He  held your hand while working next to each other, pressed quick kisses to your temple before exiting rooms. Usually, the two of you were alone, but there was the one case of resting his chin on your shoulder and wrapping his arms around your waist when Light and his father began discussing their theories on the how Higuchi killed as Kira. Occasionally, whispering  _ "no, that can't be right"  _ mindlessly next to your ear.  The timbre in his voice so close never failed to make you shiver.  Nobody on the task force mentioned it, besides a few giggles from Misa and strange looks from Light. 

The night of the arrest and death of Kyosuke Higuchi, he kissed you. It wasn't like the first. He was desperate. You were both high on adrenaline and fear and new discoveries, and you took it out on each other. You stayed up all night afterwards discussing everything that was not right in front of you. "A distraction," is what he said he wanted. 

You _wished_ that was the last time you had spoke.

Several weeks after discovering the death note, y ou opened the door to meet his onyx eyes. _Wild, fearful_ onyx eyes. 

You asked him if he was okay, he didn't respond. He barely said a word, just moved his way into your room, leaving you to shut the door behind him. 

You yet again called his name and asked if he was alright. 

"No," he said, facing towards the window. "Call me L."

"L?" You repeated. You had tried to be respectful in his wishes of referring to him only by his pseudonym. "But-"

He sighed heavily to interrupt you and mumbled after as few moments, "it hardly matters now." 

"Lawliet." 

"What?"

"L Lawliet. That's my given name." He turned to look at you. 

Your eyes widened and you stared at him in shock. 

_ He just told you his name.  _

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I trust you. I want you to know." He shrugged and moved towards you. 

_ He trusts you.  _

"What's going on?" You said as he met you in the middle of the room. Your toes almost touching his. "This isn't like you."

"No, I suppose it's not." He murmured, looking at your face very intently.  _ Studying it.  _ "Then again, even  _ I  _ am unaware of what is  _ 'like me'  _ when I am in love."

_ He's in love with you.  _

_ " _ In  _ love?"  _ You gave a habitual laugh at the tension in the room rose. 

He cocked his head to side and furled his eyebrows. "Do you not return my affections?"

"No!" You said too quickly, placing a hand on his cheek. "No, I do. I  _ really  _ do. Just- uh- you-," you laughed breathlessly again. "Have you had something to drink?"

"A few glasses of wine," he shrugged. You never took him as a drinker. "It felt appropriate."

"Are you celebrating? Drinking your sorrows?" You asked, making your way towards the couch. You  _ had  _ to escape that thick tension that settled between the two of you. "We  _ have  _ made a lot of steps in the case recently. Though not all of it forward."

"Something like that," he mumbled. You turned to see him staring at the floor. 

"I never took you as a sentimental drunk, Ryu-  _ L _ ," you tucked your legs beneath you as you looked at him over the back of the sofa. You crossed your arms when you pressed your torso into the back cushion of the sofa. 

"Neither did I," he said, looking through you. He then flicked his eyes towards the window behind you. "Perhaps it's the weather."

As if summoned on command, you heard the pattering of rain against the glass and twisted to look at the city skyline. Sure enough, droplets fell like splattered paint and you watched the water separate and join, leaving tracked as it fell. 

You hummed, "then it'll be rainy tomorrow. That'll be nice, I like the rain."

You heard footsteps approach your sitting, but you didn't turn. One, because watching the rain was something that  _ truly  _ fascinated you. Two, because there was something  _ very  _ wrong about this situation. 

There shouldn't be. You should be overjoyed. He gave you his  _ name _ , he  _ trusted  _ you, he was  _ in love  _ with you. Your heart should be soaring above the clouds right now. 

But instead in sunk low in your chest. It beat faster than you felt comfortable. A knot was in the back of your throat. You felt  _ nauseous.  _

There was something  _ very wrong  _ with L. 

He rested a hand on top you your head. A comforting gesture he had done before, usually a physical way to say  _ good work _ without having to utter the phrase. But he didn't removed his hand after a few seconds. Instead, his long fingers began playing with your hair. Twisting and tucking at it, gently scratching your scalp. You hummed in satisfaction and leaned into the touch. 

He continued his ministration and spoke after a minute or so. 

"You should sleep in tomorrow," he said. "There's no reason to get up early. You should rest."

"That sounds like a good idea." The corners of your lips turned upward as a hand scratched behind your right ear. 

"Please do," he persuaded solemnly. You noted that his voice cracked . "It would do you well. You've worked so hard."

"That-" you smiled. "That means a lot coming from you. Thank you."

The rain drops continued to fall and you continued to stare. You felt his lip press into the top of your head. 

He was  _ affectionate  _ tonight. 

L took in a breath. "I should be getting to sleep."

He removed his hands from your hair, and you twisted in surprise. 

"You're  _ sleeping _ ?" You asked in shock. He simply nodded in response and he continued towards the door. "Like, in a bed?"

He laughed at that. 

He  _ laughed  _ at that. You never heard him laugh. " _ Yes _ , 'like in a bed'. I am human, after all."

"Yeah, I know but," you inhaled. 

_ Time to be bold.  _

_ " _ You could sleep in here. With me."

He turned and smiled.  _ God, _ he was beautiful when he smiled. But, there was a squint in his eyes that threw you off. 

"Not tonight," he said as he reached the doorknob. "I want to, but not tonight." 

"Okay," you responded, more than a little disappointed. "Goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow." 

"Yes, you will." He hummed as he shut the door. 

You took his advice and went to bed soon after that, curling your toes into the expensive sheets. Listening to the rain patter. It was comforting. 

The man you loved had just told you he loved you. After this  _ mess  _ of a case was over, you would be, presumably, living with him. You tried to relish in the feeling. 

But something lodged in your throat. A splinter, just large enough to feel but just small enough to not tell where was. It made your heart speed up and your eyes squint shut.  _ Everything  _ was right, but it felt wrong. 

You slept for a  _ very  _ long time. 

An alarm woke you up. You heard screaming. 

You opened your eyes and your room was bathed in red. 

_ Emergency lights.  _

You didn't wait. You flung yourself out of your bed and raced out of your room. Rain throbbed against the side of the building, mixing with your quick footsteps. 

"We're gonna die!" You heard a voice shout as you grew closer. "Watari, Ryuzaki... it'll be us next!"

Silence followed. The sound of your bare feet hitting the hallway floor. 

"Damn you! Where are you, Shinigami? Come out!"

You reached the top of the stairs and nearly fell on the first step. It didn't stop you 

"Come on out!"

It was Light's voice. His feet stomped as you reached the landing. 

"We better go and look too." You saw Mister Yagami as you reached the final steps. 

The old man's eyes widened as he met yours, and he said your name in a quiet voice. Like he had forgotten you. 

"What's happening?" You voice cracked and was much louder than you anticipated. "What happened?"

You flicked your eyes around the room. Light was leaving a storm in his wake as he stalked toward the front of the building. Matsuda and Yagami following behind. You looked towards Ryuzaki's - _ L's  _ \- desk. 

He was crumpled in Aizawa's arms. 

It's hard to remember what happened in retrospect. 

You had screamed. You knew that much. 

You had pried Aizawa's hand off Ryuzaki's lithe body to cradle his tilting head in your hands. His hands were limp at his side.  Your voice cracked. Cooed his name. Yelled his name. Told him to wake up.  _ Wake up! Open your eyes, dammit! _

But he didn't respond. He didn't open his eyes. He didn't smile at you. 

You had held his body against your own. The little heat you had known him to hold already leaving his corpse. Tear drops spilled into the crook of his neck, wetting his shirt. He smelled like sugar. 

Mogi, eventually, crouched next to you and told you to let him go. That you  _ had  _ to let him go. 

You had shook your head.  _ Begged, pleaded  _ him not to do this. 

But Mogi was much stronger than you. And he wrenched the man you were supposed to love out of your grasp. He stood up, L's body like a rag doll in his arms. 

You reached for the corpse again. 

_ Please let me have him.  _ You had babbled.  _ I need him. I'll take care of him. Please I want him back.  _

But you didn't even have the strength to get off the floor. You collapsed on the linoleum beneath you, sobbing, shivering, shaking for god knows how long. 

_Grief was a sickness._

He would have told you as much. 

A cancer.

The tumors lodged in your throat, your chest, your stomach, to where the only viable option for recovery was to tear the organs to shreds. Rip it until all that was left was the pain. The ache for what once was. 

And it _hurt._

**Author's Note:**

> god i'm so sorry. if you like this piece, i have some other, much happier, WIPs that may see the light of day, so if you're interested please tell me! Or if you have requests or ideas I'll take a look at em! no promises they'll get done, but hey if i get inspired, i'll get inspired.  
> i'm on tumblr @returnthelove if you wanna chat/request on there - eventually I'll start publishing headcannons on that blog so check it out if you'd like  
> thanks again for reading :')


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